The Aftermath Alternative
by xLostInTheSun
Summary: When he had knocked on her door, nearly three hours ago, eyes fixed on the golden 314, Sheldon had had no intention of finding himself naked in his girlfriend's bed. It was never meant to go this far. - "I feel like such an hypocrite every time I'm around you" - The aftermath of the Shamy's first time, for koops.


**A/N:** This is for koops, who wanted to read the Shamy having a pillow talk after their first time. Hoping this is good enough for the Queen of Shamy, and that you all enjoy it!

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It was nearly midnight and the summer sky of Glendale had turned to ink several hours ago. The streets were silent, saved for the occasional barking dogs and slamming car doors, and no one knew of storm raging in one of the apartment on Carmen Avenue. No one knew of the storm raging in Sheldon Cooper's mind. Because when he had knocked on her door, nearly three hours ago, eyes fixed on the golden 314, Sheldon had had no intention of finding himself naked in his girlfriend's bed.

_It was never meant to go this far._

It had been Date Night, and everything had gone smoothly. Amy had cooked salmon and broccoli – not an unwelcome change from the pizza and take out Thai food he usually had – and had led the conversation with ease and charm. Sheldon had let her, watching her eyes sparkle behind her glasses whenever he would smile at her and ignoring the feeling in his stomach every time her own lip curved slightly upwards. She had spoken of her test monkeys – as there was no such thing as a summer holiday for her –, of her mother's retirement home – she had only moved in three weeks before but seemed to like it –, of her neighbour's unfriendly dog – "The little rat tried to bite my ankle today" –, and Sheldon had sat there, only speaking to suggest a preventive anti rabies shot, just listening, smiling, nodding. Loving, too, but that wasn't something he liked to dwell on a lot.

Amy had asked him if he was fine several times, and Sheldon had said yes, because that was the truth – he _was_ fine. He was afraid, of course, because Amy had changed his life in a way he was never prepared for, and he was guilty for letting himself be bewitched by her smile and the curve of her neck, and he was ashamed for loving her when he had spent his whole life claiming that love was for idiots. He was all of these things, but it was _fine_. He didn't hate being scared, he didn't hate being guilty, he didn't hate being ashamed; he was just mostly _confused_ to be feeling fine.

When dinner had reached its end – after a delicious strawberry cheesecake Amy insisted she had made herself even though it tasted very much like the one he used to have at The Cheesecake Factory when Penny was still working there – Sheldon had thanked Amy for opening her home to him, and she had thanked him for listening to her. They had both stood up at the same time, and Sheldon had gotten closer to her, his heart beating faster with each tentative step.

To both their surprise, he had been the one to offer the Goodnight Kiss Addendum at the end of the Date Night section on the Relationship Agreement. "It only seems fair," he had said when Amy had looked at him with eyes round as saucers. "I breached the agreement by kissing you on the train, I should suffer the consequences." Amy hadn't asked how kissing her was a fitting punishment for kissing her, too happy to sign the newly rewritten Agreement, and he had been grateful for that, because the truth – the cold, hard truth he didn't like to dwell on too much – was that he had enjoyed kissing her. He had enjoyed kissing her and had found himself hoping she would kiss him more often, but she hadn't made a move to, and he had had to take matters into his own hands.

"Is Leonard picking you up?" she had asked in a low voice, and Sheldon had shaken his head absent-mindedly.

"He's in Nebraska with Penny, remember?" He had cupped her cheek, his thumb stroking her lower lip, and Amy had weakly nodded.

"Would you like me to... hm, give you a ride home?"

"I'll take the bus," he had answered, and never gave Amy a chance to insist as he dipped his head to hers, silencing her with a kiss.

Three months after the first implementation of the new clause, an onlooker would have thought their kisses were still quite chaste. But Sheldon knew how far they were coming from, and for him, these kisses were anything but chaste. Nothing, though, could have prepared him for the wave that suddenly engulfed him whole that night – soul, heart and body. The hand that had been holding Amy's cheek only moments before had travelled on her neck, reaching her collar, and he had slipped two fingers under her tee-shirt, stroking her skin at the point where her neck met her shoulder. Amy had gasped into the kiss, and Sheldon had taken this as an opportunity to try something he had never tried before: sliding his tongue into Amy's mouth. At the sound that had then escaped her lips, he had felt his blood turn to fire and, putting his other hand on her hip – a hip he knew all too well – he had brought her closer to him.

That was when Amy had broken the kiss and taken a step back.

"I..." she had said, her breath short, her cheeks red, her eyes sparkling. She had looked beautiful, so, _so_ beautiful, and Sheldon had felt something snap deep inside of him.

It had all led up to that moment, hadn't it? All of it. _It was never meant to go that far_, a part of his brain had told him, but it had. The last four years of his life had been confusing to say the least, and he had hated it, and dreaded it, and loved it, and been fascinated by it all at once. The last four years had been confusing, but that night had been the end of the race.

"You should go," Amy had said, her voice as weak as her resolve. "Or you'll be tired in the morning," and Sheldon had shaken his head, bringing her closer to him and kissing her again, longer, harder. He had been the one to bring this second kiss, and then he had said the words he had never thought he would ever have the courage to say, even though he had been thinking about saying them for quite some time.

"Let's do it, Amy."

She had understood what he meant right away, but she had seemed unsure. "Sheldon..."

"I want to, Amy. I want _you_."

And it had been awkward and messy and frightening and he knew he had come way too soon while (he was pretty sure) she hadn't reached orgasm, but here they were, Sheldon finally rolling off Amy's warm body, his damp hair clinging to his forehead, his heart beating so fast Sheldon was half expecting it to fail, her breathing tickling his skin, and only in the aftermath did he fully realise what they had done.

_It was never meant to go this far._

Panic finally started to settle in him. Sex. _He had just had sex for the first time in his life. _He had just had sex for the first time in his life, and he was suddenly assaulted by too many thoughts. His mind had always been restless, ever since he'd been a lonely, genius child back in Texas, but nothing could have ever compared to the state of mind he was currently in. Everything was just... too much, that was what it was, and he suddenly felt the need to throw up. He angrily kicked the covers off, and, still naked and barely hearing Amy's voice calling his name, he made a beeline for the bathroom.

Locking the door behind him, he ran to the very same toilet he had seen Amy vomiting in after she'd first kissed him, and... found he couldn't vomit.

"Sheldon," Amy's voice said from behind the locked door, "Sheldon are you okay?"

When the only thing that answered her question turned out to be silence, Sheldon heard her try to open the door.

"Sheldon, open up please."

Sheldon turned away from the toilet, and his eyes fell upon the mirror above her sink. Seeing his face, unchanged – the same blue eyes, the same thin lips, the same straight nose – calmed him a little. Some things would never change no matter what happened to him, and he breathed out longly before going to open the door.

Amy was there, wrapped in a plaid robe, and he suddenly remembered he was still naked. Feeling suddenly self conscious, he went to grab a towel when Amy held up another robe for her.

"It's going to be too small," he said, but Amy shook her head.

"It's your size, Sheldon," she answered, and as he put it on, Sheldon found out she was right.

"Do you own a lot of man-sized bathrobes?" he asked, and Amy looked away, a blush spreading on her cheeks.

"It's the only one I have. I bought it just... just in case you would ever need it."

Sheldon looked at her for a long time, not for the first time trying to figure out this impressive lady and failing miserably. Even after knowing her in the most intimate way a man could know a woman, she was still very much a mystery for him.

"Thank you," he finally said, and Amy offered to make him some tea. Sheldon followed her to the kitchen and watched silently as she put the kettle on. When she reached for two mugs, he finally spoke.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"For freaking out? I suspected that might happen."

Of course. Truth be told, ever since he had first started to entertain the idea of had coitus with Amy, Sheldon had always thought he would freak out _during_ the act. Somehow, this was an improvement.

The kettle went off behind Amy, and as she busied herself with teabags, Sheldon nodded.

"It's just... I feel like such a hypocrite every time I'm around you."

There it was, out in the open. He had been feeling that way for months, for years really. He thought back on the conversation he had had in Texas with his mother, and the words he had told her then still resonated within him.

"I've always sworn to live my life as an unit of one, never needing anyone, never depending on anyone for anything other than material things... but you walked into my life and..."

Amy handed him a cup, and he exhaled "And you're a hurricane, Amy."

Bringing her mug to her lips – lips that had been sucking on his collarbone only minutes before – she silently looked at him before finally saying "I know the feeling."

And in just four words, she had said it all. Sheldon tended to forget it because she had been eager for their relationship to become physical long before he had, but the truth was that the only reason they had ever made it after the first date Howard and Raj had gotten out of him was that they had seen physicality and emotions with the same disdain.

"I know the feeling," she repeated, "but I learnt to live with it. And so can you."

Sheldon hesitated, and then confessed. "I don't know how."

Amy smiled and reached for his hand across the table. "I'd say what we did tonight was a pretty good start. Give in, Sheldon. It may be scary, but it doesn't have to be bad."

And she was right. He knew she was right, like she always was. She was right, but still – "It was never meant to go that far," he whispered, putting his mug on the table. "None of it. The only reason I even know you is that Raj and Howard have way too much time on their hands. I was never supposed to meet you, and to be your friend, and to kiss you, and to... have sex with you."

"It never was meant to, but it happened," Amy said. "And we can either learn to live with it, or stay the same person forever."

And that was the problem, wasn't it? Given the choice, Sheldon would always wish for things to stay the same. That was all he knew; he only was comfortable navigating things he was familiar with. He wasn't Amy, who had always been eager for new experiences and had embraced her new-found social life in a way he never had. They were two peas in a pod when it came to most things, but the way they apprehended social interactions had almost been enough to create a reef between them.

It was crystal clear, now. "I changed you as much as you changed me," she said.

"I'm not sure I'm brave enough to take the leap, Amy."

"But you have, Sheldon!" she exclaimed, putting her mug on the table and grabbing both of his hands in hers. "Good lord, you have! You're kissing me on your own initiative, now, and don't pretend that it's a way to punish yourself, because we're both too smart to believe that lie. You're kissing me, and for crying out loud, you just took my virginity. You've been braver than I have ever been. Because you've always been honest with me and... There are things I never told you."

Sheldon looked at her quizzically, and Amy sighed. "I know you see me as this sexual temptress but the thing is... God, Sheldon, I'm terrified. I was terrified before it happened, and now that it has happened, I'm still as terrified. Because I can't help wondering... what if you're right and we just changed who we are on a level so deep that we will be lost forever? Is our relationship solid enough to go through this without shattering into pieces? Will you come to hate me for everything I brought out of you?"

"I could never hate you, Amy" he interrupted. "I love you," he said, like it was the most natural thing in the world. And it was, it really was.

Amy smiled and said "I know," and Sheldon smiled too, because of course she knew. He had put his heart on the line for her, shedding away the armour of his virginity, becoming a whole new man between her sheets. There could have been only one motive for this: Sheldon Lee Cooper was in love with Amy Farrah Fowler.

"And, for what it's worth, I think you're the strongest and the bravest person I know."

Amy smiled again, letting go of his hands and bringing her mug of tea back to her lips. Sheldon looked at her, mesmerized by the way she would gently blow on the beverage before letting it run through her lips, and he had to mentally shake himself.

"Are you feeling better?" she asked after a couple of minutes, and Sheldon suddenly remembered something he had told her nearly two years before.

_When I look in your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal, because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and, at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be._

And that was it, wasn't it? He still wasn't sure how everything would turn out, and he was still both excited and terrified, and in more ways than none, he still felt as weak as he felt strong, but he finally knew how he felt, and holding Amy in the most intimate of ways had been the first step to being the kind of man he wanted to be.

So he simply nodded, and when Amy took his hand in hers to lead him back to her bedroom, he was smiling.

* * *

**A/N:** Yeah, this is pillow talk without a pillow. Bear with me.


End file.
